I never thought I was a control freak until things started going wrong. I thought I just lived a happy life, getting on with things and going about my days. then I realised I had always gotten my own way so of course I was happily plodding along without a care in the world!
Being an incredibly lucky person in life has obviously given me a lot of advantages, when my mental health went to shit I had the best support network around me, when I finished university I had a home with my parents to come back to, when I was offered my job there was a car there for me to utilise so I didn’t have to turn it down because I couldn’t afford my own. I am privileged, I do often feel undeserving but I am aware and ridiculously grateful.
Having the realisation that you’re spoilt without the usual telltale signs of a convertible, a fleet of designer crap and twelve horses was a bit of a shitter to be honest. I just wasn’t expecting to ever be a spoilt person and it made me feel guilty, unworthy, selfish, embarrassed, I just wanted to do better. Having anxiety from such a young age did make me selfish, I wouldn’t do things that made me uncomfortable (which was basically everything that involved going outdoors), and at the time I didn’t realise just how much that effected everyone else in my life.
So when it comes to ‘winging it’, I am intimidated. I’m used to knowing exactly how, why and when to do everything I need and want to do. I expected my anxiety to go through the roof not being in control of every aspect of my life after graduating, not having every single detail planned out in my head before it happens. New things and new beginnings frighten the shit out of me but when it comes to my anxiety, I’m much better at coping with things I’m not familiar with and just winging it!
Learning to let go of control is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to overcome, the amount of stress I caused myself by overthinking ever minor detail was just painful and I never thought I’d see the day where I’d just hop in my car, alone, and drive across the country every day to a new place that I didn’t know much about. The job I’ve been doing this past few months has given me so much, an immeasurable amount of confidence, freedom, experience, and a good bit of CV fodder!
I’m not looking forward to the inevitable step down into my next job, whatever it may be, it’ll be hard to no longer call myself a ‘professional photographer travelling the country’ as my mum likes to call me! I take a lot of pride in that title and it’ll be heartbreaking to no longer be able to identify as one (full time anyway).
But yeah, life goes on. All I want out of life is happiness and the opportunity to learn and grow every day, so fingers crossed it’s not all down hill from here.
Boots: River Island
Earrings: New Look
Rings: Bloody Mary Metal
Thank you so much to Pat & Ashleigh for our wonderful photo adventure day and for putting me in and getting me back out of the tree!
Photos by Pat Gleeson, edited by moi.