It’s been a while since I’ve just written and poured my heart out, I mean, last week I wrote about rejection but it had been on my mind for months and I knew exactly what I wanted to put across. But this is different, I just don’t know anything anymore. I’m questioning everything in and about my life.
I look at these photos where I’m feelin’ myself, at my happiest, most confident, and not even remembering how it felt. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt lonely, I have the best people in my life and being this way makes me feel beyond ungrateful.
Why am I dissatisfied with my current life? I’m fully aware that this isn’t my forever feeling. I’m quite sick of people telling me that to be honest. “You won’t feel like this forever.” Tell me something I don’t know. I love and appreciate every single person who takes the time to try and make me feel better, but sometimes you don’t want the advice, y’know? I just want someone to listen to me, let me cry, allow me to feel the things I’m feeling. No comparing myself to others who are worse off and no telling me how lucky I am with the other aspects of my life.
The things I wrote about last week, holding onto hope, are the things that keep me going. The stars in the sky and the sea and the sand, the memories I have of those things and knowing I’ll experience them again. I know I’m not alone, illness doesn’t become wellness when I’ve got someone to talk to, I know I’m not a weak person, I’m not defined by my mental health, I don’t need saving.
Some days I know exactly who I am, who I want to be, what my goals are, exactly where I want to be in five years time. Others, especially recently, I haven’t the foggiest. My life has never gone the way I thought it would. I thought I’d feel grown up at 16, be driving by 17, graduate at 20, have my own home and my dream career by 21. None of it has gone to plan. I’m 23 and still don’t feel grown up, I doubt I ever will. I passed my driving test at 22, graduated at 23, moved back in with my parents and I’m unemployed, but those things happened, I did it.
I’m still plodding along, so that must mean something, right? It does. It means I’m stronger, more resilient than I ever give myself credit for. I’m capable of making difficult decisions. I can drive. I have a degree.
Everything frightens me, but I can’t remember the last time that stopped me from accomplishing anything. Some days I don’t get dressed, don’t wash my hair, don’t brush my teeth, don’t leave my bed. Every day is a new chance, being diagnosed with depression and anxiety as a young teenager makes you realise that, a lot of things make you realise it to be honest.
Today may have been a write off, but tomorrow can bring better things.
I’m not sure what this post is meant to be. Maybe I’m just typing to convince myself that I can do this, that I can live my life. Because I know I can, I just need to remind myself at times.
Earrings: New Look
Shorts & Sandals: ASOS
Preston Road, Bankside Gallery graffiti & all snaps shot by my babe Ashleigh and edited by yours truly!
Anyone reading this and resonating, wondering how I cope with my mental health, or have any questions; please reach out to me.