Where Do I Fit In?

Not big enough to represent the body positive community, not fit enough to be considered anything else. I’m still uncomfortable in my body, but am I allowed to feel that way?

Of course I know that I am justified in any and all thoughts and feelings I have about myself, but does society see me the same way?

Am I powerful and confident because of my body shape? In spite of it? Do I have a reason to be labelled ‘body confident’ rather than just confident?

I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, I’m the unhealthiest I’ve ever been and I’m physically the weakest I’ve ever been. Of course I present myself online in the best possible light, I’ll only post photographs that make me smile, but I’m never afraid to express my true thoughts and feelings in writing.

I feel disproportionate, weak, lethargic, fragile.

People blame social media for people having body issues, but I don’t believe that for people around my age. That’s certainly the case for those younger who have grown up with Instagram, but for me I blame adverts. Teeth whitening toothpaste, imperfection covering makeup, body hair removal cream, magazine covers, celebrity endorsements, no transparency.

Censorship is something I have a lot of opinions on. The reason I love bloggers and YouTubers is that they have minimal censorship between their original idea and honest opinion, and the the piece of content that they put out into the world. The majority of the time, they only promote what they genuinely believe in, the ones I consume content from anyway!

With magazines and adverts there are many many many other people that the content has to get verified by. There are a team of experts trained in advertising, calculating the perfect angle to go for in selling whatever they’re being paid to sell. They use false eyelashes to advertise mascara, already shaved legs to advertise razors, blue gel to advertise pads and tampons… Daft.

I was talking to my friend recently who told me she thinks she has specific issues with her body because she grew up hearing her mum complain about those parts of herself, in front of her. Of course she loves her mum and doesn’t blame her completely for her worries but it does make me think about the way I talk about myself and how it could affect others.

I couldn’t be more thankful for my mum not complaining about her body in front of me when I was younger and more impressionable. She’s done the occasional “ooo I shouldn’t be eating that” and “I need to get back to the gym”, but nothing damaging to the relationship I have with my body.

I still like the way I look, otherwise I wouldn’t be posing in the middle of the street with a goofy grin on me gob! But I am planning on a little lifestyle change to bring back my energy and strength. I think I’m happy not having a niche or clique, I’ve got my gals and my pals, and that smile on my face is very real.

Photos taken by Jack Gordon and edited by yours truly.

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