I feel useless. Not all of the time, but I definitely feel that way right now. Everyone else seems to be living their lives and I feel like I’m still waiting to start mine and the grand old age of 22.
My heart is half in Hull and half in Sunderland, I never feel whole anymore. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come, growing and flourishing in muddy waters but I still feel like I’m doing everything wrong.
As soon as I’m on my own with nothing to keep me occupied I feel nothing, empty and isolated. I’m getting better at helping myself, you’d think I would have after dealing with my depression and anxieties for almost ten years, but sometimes it wins and I lose.
I’m writing this mostly to read back on in the years to come so I can recognise my achievements and be even more proud of my progress than I am now, but I’m also writing so that any one person of my very small audience know they can reach out to me if they are feeling this way and wanting to talk to somebody that understands. I will always reply, I will always listen and I will always try my best to be a friend.
My anxieties prevent me from leaving the house very often, when I do go outside it’s only ever for two or three hours tops and I always have a concrete ‘going home’ plan. I’ll happily go to the cinema or travel into town but I have to have it planned at least 2 days in advance so I can prepare myself, longer if I’m travelling alone. This makes me feel like a bad friend.
Fortunately my worthwhile friends have stuck by me and understood and sympathised with what I go through on a day to day basis. Of course I’ve lost friends and for years it broke my heart to create bonds with these wonderful people that I loved for us to grow apart, lose touch or simply just fall out of friendship.
The friends I do have are amazing, they go out of their way to accommodate me, to come to me when they know I can’t deal with travelling and to let me make our plans so I feel like I’m in control.
Rational Meg understands why people don’t immediately come running to her side when she’s hurting, but irrational Meg hates them for it. All I want is that feeling that you get while watching a rom-com and the guy or the friends or the family ‘just know’ when they are needed by the heroine but I am very well aware that it isn’t a real life occurrence.
I get stress rashes when I feel ignored, I work myself up and I cry and I can’t rationalise my thoughts or feelings no matter how hard I try.
I have this perfect picture in my head of how my life would be if things were different; I’d live in Hull with Stephen, I’d be working my hardest to get my photography career going full time whilst working a 9-5 to pay the bills. I’d have a lil rescue doggy called Bowie and I’d be able to go to the pub with my friends at the weekend.
I think that will make me happy but I know that won’t be the end of my struggles with mental health issues. Having a stable routine will do me the world of good but unfortunately for now, that’s worlds away from happening.
One day at a time.