WrestleMania 33

10pm: Kickoff; 

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Neville vs Austin Aries: Cruiserweight Championship.

Neville just looks like Kreacher really doesn’t he… And that veeeeein in his temple! It’s a battle of the shiny pants; Neville in gold and Aries in silver. Not gonna lie, I was majorly distracted by the group of lads dressed as Hulk Hogan in the crowd. Also, how the fuuuuck could they see anything with the insane Orlando sun glaring in their eyes?! The thing about Neville is that he’s a fantastic example of a heel champion, he’s ruthless as anything and will do everything in his power to win. That little acrobatic fall out of the ring he did, did have a tonne of comical value though! Of course, we want Neville to win as between us, Stephen and myself have put on six different bets and stupidly on every single one we bet him to win… After kicking out of Aries’ 450 Splash, Neville used an illlllegal eye rake followed by an INSANE Red Arrow for the three count, did us a favour n won didn’t he!

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Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale.

Big Show and Braun Strowman had full entrances for some reason but the first faces I recognised were: Sami Zayn (my future husband), Gold Dust, Rhyno, Dolph Ziggler and Luke Harper. Dolph Ziggler has been over the ropes three times and every time has wriggled his way back into the ring. Bye bye Gold Dust, bye bye Big Show and bye bye Braun Strowman, in the first five minutes! Honestly there’s far too much happening, I have no idea who half the people in there are but we called Sami Zayn or Luke Harper as champ whilst there’s nine of them left in the ring (yes, Dolph Ziggler is still there). Dolph Ziggler and Luke Harper have both been chucked, come on Sami love! Aaaand never mind, there are three wrestlers I’ve never heard of fighting it out, some big hairy neanderthal, a Randy Orton wannabe and Aladdin on steroids. Some tall guy in the crowd (apparent footballer?) with terrible American fashion sense has de-shirted, gotten into the ring and speared fit Aladdin???? What a big mess of a match, no idea what happened but it was entertaining I suppose. The Randy Orton wannabe won.

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Dean Ambrose vs Baron Corbin: Intercontinental Championship.

Dean Ambrose is another potential future Mr Meg, he even has the honour of being the wallpaper and lock screen on my phone. He’s just a sweaty ginger lunatic, he could not give less of a fuck if he tried. Corbin took a bit of a bash against the steel stairs there, he’s so large it’s hilarious to see him fall down, like a daddy long legs. He also looks like the kinda guys that used to work at Blue Banana back in the day… It sounds like they’re playing a match of ladies tennis, Corbin is a vocal fighter. Ambrose reversed The End Of Days and hit Corbin with Dirty Deeds to retain his title.

Midnight Main Event;

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AJ Styles vs Shane McMahon.

AJ repping the Harley Quinn inspired leggings, if only he had committed fully and worn his hair in pigtails! However, with it majestically flowing in the wind I am a bit weak at the knees… Not quite sure why Shane O’Mac has decided to run AJ’s career into the ground by reducing him to this match up but watching AJ kick his ass is making up for it! Shane looks like he started a fight in a pub and accidentally wound up at WrestleMania… Shane just tap out hon, it’s like watching your drunk uncle wrestle a pro. How the fuck can Shane kick out of a Styles Clash when Dean Ambrose can’t?!?!?! McMahon reversed the Phenomenal Forearm into a DDT then attempted a Shooting Star Press and dramatically missed leaving AJ the opportunity to follow up with a second Phenomenal Forearm to secure the win!

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Kevin Owens vs Chris Jericho: United States Championship.

REPPIN’ THAT LIGHT UP LEATHER SCARF JERIBAE! Severe Festival of Friendship heartbreak was experienced all over again and I did have a bit of a Sean Bean moment of shouting ‘BASTARD’ at Kevin Owens on the telly… I was mostly distracted by Zoe London’s tweets during this match but I’m quite pleased about that as I’m still very upset that Owens told Jericho he had no friends, what a nasty bitch.

Owens Power Bombed Jericho onto the apron like a giant hamster looking traitor. He won. Lame. #JusticeForJericho

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Charlotte Flair vs Sasha Banks vs Bayley vs Nia Jax: Women’s Raw Championship Fatal Four Way.

Charlotte’s outfit is insaaane, proud peacock Flair right there. Nia looks like Lord Farquaad in that strange red and black tunic but she’s a force to be reckoned with, scarrrry bitch. Bayley just perpetually looks terrified and also slightly resembles a wotsit and Sasha looks like a queeeeen as always. Powerful ladies. Sasha, Charlotte and Bayley triple Power Bombed Nia Jax into elimination, team work or what! Charlotte wanted to team up with Sasha to go against Bayley but of course Sasha wouldn’t betray her bestie… Charlotte Corkscrew Moonsaulted into both Bayley and Sasha, causing some damage! Charlotte eliminated Sasha by kicking out of a roll up pin sending her straight into the exposed turnbuckle ouch. It’s now Charlotte vs current champ Bayley, Bayley went for a top rope manoeuvre which Charlotte reversed into the Figure Four Leg Lock. Bayley flew from the top rope landing a Macho Man Elbow onto Charlotte’s face to retain the title. At this point we’ve definitely lost every single one of our bets… aren’t we shite!

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Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson vs Cesaro & Sheamus: RAW Tag Team Triple Threat Ladders Match.

Enzo’s suit is the actual dream, sparkly leopard print…

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FUCKING FATAL FOUR WAY MAKE ROOM FOR THE HARDY BOYZZZZ!!! For once I’m thankful for The New Day. I am SHOOK. Early 2000s goth has returned, those outfits are so nostalgic. Also, I fangirled too hard to have written anything but I’m sure everyone has seen the GIFs and videos by now. Matt & Jeff 4eva xoxo SEVEN TIME TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!!

I’ve seen Stephen cry four times in three years. One of those times is now.

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John Cena & Nicki Bella vs The Miz & Maryse.

Still reeling from the Hardy Boyz return so I’m generally not paying much attention right now, Twitter is SHOOK. We have forgiven WWE for Royal Rumble being such a bag of dicks. Basically Nicki is kicking the shite outta Maryse and she took down The Miz with a Suicide Dive. John Cena and Nicki Bella are such a power couple, a double Attitude Adjustment secured their win. The proposal was cheesy and lame but CUTE AS FUCK, how on earth did he go through that entire match with a ring box in his pocket?!

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Seth Rollins vs Triple H: Non-Sanctioned Match.

‘Oh my god he’s on a fucking chopper.’ The Game will always send shivers down my spine, such an anthem. The police escort entrance was so perfectly over the top and Stephanie looks bombbbbb. Rollins rocks up wearing a Lindt bunny wrapper and brandishing some fire? Of course there’s disappointment that he wasn’t joined by The Shield but that would probably be asking for too much at this point! I’m also drooling because it’s Seth Freakin’ Rollins. Steel chairs have been used, a Buckle Bomb was executed, a table has been brought out to play, weaknesses have been targeted, a sledge hammer is now involved… AND STEPHANIE HAS GONE THROUGH A TABLE AT THE HANDS OF HER OWN HUSBAND! Pedigree, a pin and a win for Rollins!

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Bae Wyatt vs Randy Orton: WWE Championship.

Bray Wyatt’s entrance looks EPIC, all of those liiiiights. Imagine seeing him stood at the end of your bed with that lamp though, it would shit you right up! What the hell was that maggot projection about?! Creeeeepy. Randy Orton is just a bit boring now, a one RKO wonder with no charisma. Wyatt did a creepy crab walk during a weird bug projection but of course, the RKO outta nowhere got Randy BOREton the win. 3/10, disappointing match. Bae Wyatt 4eva xoxo.

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Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg: Universal Championship.

Not expecting much, they’re always rather boring, two brick shithouses picking each other up and dropping each other on the ground for ten minutes. Paul Heyman can do one as well, weirdo. I don’t think Goldberg’s entrance could have possibly lasted any longer if they tried! Lesnar’s elbow is bleeding already after three German Suplexes and three Spears, the match continues! Guess what Goldberg, we’re going to Suplex City! Eight Suplexes later… Nine… Ten… He truly is a beast. And a champion!

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Smackdown Women’s Championship.

After much uproar online, Alexa Bliss will be up against Carmella, Becky Lynch, Mickie James, Natalya and Naomi for the Women’s Championship. Seeing James Ellsworth prance down with Carmella is always the cutest thing ever, li’l no chin! And of course Naomi’s entrance is super exciting and upbeat!!! First to get a pinfall will win. Becky vs Mickie is looking like Cowboys vs Indians in those get ups… Fingers crossed for Becky or Naomi to win! Ellsworth tried to pull a No Chin Music on Becky but she used a Exploder Suplex and he quickly fucked off. Naomi got Alexa to submit and she’s the new Women’s Champ!!!! Quick match but very pleased it wasn’t in the pre-show. #GlowTime.

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The Undertaker vs Roman Reigns (Boreman Lames): No Holds Barred.

If 25 years of destruction gets taken down by this robot wrestler I will not be held responsible for my actions.

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My god I’ve never heard such excessive booing as I’m hearing for the Roman Empire, I’m very proud of Orlando right now. Even his walk makes my skin crawl, a cringeworthy swagger. As ‘Taker’s music chimes, Roman looks like he’s shat his kegs. The Undertaker emerges from behind a cloud of smoke and saunters towards Reigns basking in every second, he’s intimidating the Big Dog, ugh I just love him so much!!!

Stephen: “I always preferred Kane so much more over The Undertaker though.”

Me: “BLASPHEMY, NOT IN THIS HOUSE.”

‘Roman Sucks, Roman Sucks, Roman Sucks’ – Yep, 75,000 crowd members are definitely correct. The Undertaker Choke Slams Reigns through the announcers table and Reigns follows with a Spear through the Spanish announcers table (it’s never the American one!). The Last Ride and a pin for a two count. Steel chair picked up by The Undertaker, I imagine not to be used for comfort… Reigns attempts a Superman Punch only to be met by a Choke Slam onto a steel chair and another two count pin. TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER TO ANOTHER FUCKIN TWO COUNT. Reigns successfully landed a Superman Punch and pinned ‘Taker for the two count and I NEARLY LOST MY SHIT. The Undertaker has Roman in the Hells Gate submission. Stupid Samoan Sonofabitchhhhh. How insanely resilient is The Undertaker though!!! Three spears, three pins for a two count, STILL IN THE GAME. 5am, seven hours of wrestling and WrestleMania is over, Roman fucking Reigns, does indeed reign.

Absolutely get fucked WWE. DONE WITH YOU. STOP PUSHING ROMAN REIGNS. NOBODY FUCKING LIKES HIM OR EVEN GIVES A SHIT. BYEEEEEE.

sign-off

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