Down Days

I can’t speak for anyone else but from my interactions with other human beings it seems that everyone has a way with dealing with their down days. Unfortunately a lot of people have very frequent down days and struggle to find their way in their world. It has taken almost ten years for me to ‘cope’ alone with down days.

For many years I leaned on my mum. I used her as an emotional punching bag, I didn’t understand what depression or anxiety was when I was fourteen. Social media awareness didn’t exist, it wasn’t taught at school and celebrity spokespeople were few and far between. However, my mum is the definition of a perfect mum, she’s believed that the sun shines out of my arse ever since she decided she wanted to be a parent. I’ve said unforgivable things to her out of anger and she’s forgiven me, I’ve lashed out and she’s never let me feel alone and I’m convinced that she’s the most supportive and strongest person that exists. She makes me believe in myself.

I’ve lived away from my support system for about two and a half years which sucks sooooo hard, but I’ve become independent and it’s given me the opportunity to properly get to know myself. I know I can survive. I’ve listened to myself and learned my ‘cheer up’ methods; I clean, I make lists, I make sure I have at least one thing to look forward to in the coming month, I do my laundry, I wash the pots, I change my bedding, I do yoga, I watch people’s vlogs on YouTube in the bath. Physically organising things somehow helps me organise the thoughts in my head. Happiness is contagious, seeing a smile on another person or hearing a laugh from a stranger genuinely lifts my mood. But I know that because I let myself feel things and I respond to those feelings.

My mum hid a card in my bedroom on the day I moved into my uni halls in 2014 with the Shakespeare quote: ‘though she be but little though she is fierce’, I’ve never cried so hard. Feeling everything so passionately is something I got from her, when we’re sad we cry, when we’re happy we cry, when we’re hungry we cry, when we laugh we cry.

Some of my mum’s weird phrases I’ll never understand such as; ‘not my circus, not my monkey’ but she still tells me this shite even when I tell her it’s stupid, she knows I need to hear it. My mum and dad are the best people I know, they’ve been together for a million years and they still hold hands, go on dates and love each other as much as they ever have. They’re funny and silly and are just so happy. It’s all I want in the world and with such perfect role models I know I’ll be happy no matter how my life turns out.

Some people aren’t as lucky as I am when it comes to family and those people need to know how loved and appreciated they are by their support systems so this is my one piece of advice; make sure the people you care about know just how much you care.

I’ll be lucky if I become half the human being and woman my mother is.

Thank you mumma, I love you.

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